Deliberate Deliberations
by effectively absent
Summary: Hermione's eyes are wandering to Harry. Companion piece to "Thoughts That I Think."


Well, this is a companion piece to "Thoughts That I Think," from Hermione's POV. I don't want to write the same story though, so this will just have the same premise (one in love with the other), but some of the events will be different. I don't really know that it'll be necessary to read the first one to understand this, but I don't think it'd hurt at all (that was a BIG HINT). I'd like to thank animgus-steph for sending me an e-mail and effectively getting me off my butt to finish writing the beginning of this. More chapters to come. -- jamie  
  
disclaimer.not mine.  
  
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It's rather hard to be in love with two people at the same time.  
  
Trust me- I know. This is something I'm working on though. I'm actually not in the thick of it anymore, there was a time when I was simultaneously head-over-heels for two boys. Now, however, I'm falling even deeper in love with one and quickly out of love with the other.  
  
The boy rapidly fading into the background is none other than Viktor Krum-- quidditch player extraordinaire and all-around affable sort of guy; the boy falling clumsily into my affections is none other than Harry Potter-- quidditch player extraordinaire and all-around affable sort of guy.  
  
When I look at it like that, it's hard to understand why I couldn't just leave well enough alone and continue on merrily with Viktor. I guess my heart works in spite of my all too logical mind.  
  
Viktor's an incredible guy and if you'd talked to me months ago I wouldn't have had an ill word to speak of him. Things have changed. Not that I feel any real malice toward him, I just no longer wish to be romantically involved with him. Essentially, the problem with Viktor -and I've spent countless hours thinking about this- is that he's not Harry. Once more, a mere few months ago this wouldn't really have been a problem, but lately I've been looking at Harry in a new light, if you will.  
  
I know it's terribly clichéd to fall for your best friend, it's one of the most played songs on the record, I just couldn't help it. I tried so hard to ignore the signs of it. I told myself that the uneasiness in my stomach when he was around had nothing to do with my company, but rather with the sock-flavored Bertie's bean I'd eaten earlier. I rationed that my desire to be all around him at all times stemmed from missing Viktor and just craving some form of male companionship. The blush that crept into my cheeks at the mention of his name meant I was getting sick, not that my feelings for him had changed. No matter how many lies I told myself, it was getting ridiculous, I came around and admitted that not only did I love Harry, I was IN love with Harry.  
  
It's a bizarre thing actually, I'm not usually so boy-oriented. Normally, I'm to be found somewhere reading a book or writing an extra roll of parchment for my charms homework, not stewing over guys, but thoughts of Harry continually plague me. I just know that if I don't resolve this soon, I'm going to stop doing homework all together and St. Mungo's won't be too far behind.  
  
Being the rational and analytical woman that I am, I sat down to figure out just what happened to draw me to Harry. Do you want to know what I came up with? Not a damn thing. If you put him and Viktor side by side physically, they're drastically different, while they're close to the same height, the similarities end there. Viktor's all muscles and brawn with a daunting posture and Harry's lanky and endearingly awkward. They're both genuinely nice guys, looking out for the best interests of others more than themselves. Harry's smarter than Viktor, but Viktor tries hard, which is good enough for me. I guess a possible explanation is that it's the natural progression of things, my time with Viktor is drawing to a close, we're growing up, we're growing apart, I don't know. Believe me, hours and hours of rumination on this and all I know is that I seem to have fallen for Harry.  
  
Hard.  
  
As a result of all this, I've taken to subtly flirting with Harry. I don't flirt like most girls, I could never unabashedly giggle and I only bat my eyelashes when there's something in my eye. Basically, I just touch him more, to the untrained eye there'd be no difference in how I treat other boys, but I know the difference (and hopefully so does Harry). For example, if we're sitting together, be it on a couch in the common room or on a bench in the dining hall, I make an effort to be nestled right up against him. I guess this isn't that much of an occurrence, it's just that in my opinion if the whole couch is empty and you're still sitting right next to someone, you're trying to tell them something.  
  
It occurred to me that this is quite possibly the most foolish situation I've ever found myself in. Harry is my best friend. If I do something stupid and botch this, not only am I out a boyfriend, I'm out essentially the only friend I have. Sure, there's always Ron, but with Ron comes the token blonde of the minute. Ron's never alone and I don't mean that he's surrounded by swells of guy friends. No, what I mean is that Ron is something a ladies man and to see him without a ditzy female on his arm would be like seeing Snape without a scowl on his face. Getting back to my point, this thing with Harry is dangerous. I would do anything not to have had this happen, I don't like the idea of wanting Harry, it complicates things. Normally, when Harry has a date or there's a buzz in class that Filch caught him snogging with a girl, I can laugh, I tease him and we joke around. Now, it just stings. It hurts to find out he's taking a girl out to dinner, it's worse than being slapped if I find out he's been snogging.  
  
Things are fast getting weird.  
  
And on top of this all, I'm still in a relationship with Viktor. I have to figure out whether or not a possibility of something happening with Harry (and for all I know it could be a very remote possibility- I have no idea how he feels), is worth spoiling an, up until recently, perfectly fulfilling relationship. If I end things with Viktor, he will undoubtedly be profoundly upset and in the event that things with Harry don't work out, Viktor will likely be too guarded against further wounding to take me back.  
  
This is just ridiculous, there are books to be read and new spells to be practiced and all I can think about is a pair of emerald eyes topped by untamable black hair.  
  
My head is spinning and it's apparent that there's only one way to make this ride stop, I have to take action. 


End file.
